Category Archives: Riding the Storm

Written on my daughter’s arm

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We talked for a long time about getting mother-daughter tattoos. We thought it would be a bonding experience before she left for college, and we looked at everything from arrows to infinity symbols trying to find “our thing.” It just never happened, and then she started college last fall.

After going through a very rough patch the second semester, she said, “Mom I think I want to get, “you are enough,” tattooed on my arm as a reminder when I go through difficult things. I love to write and immediately asked her if it could be in my handwriting. She loved the idea, and it morphed into her handwriting the same quote which I, in turn, had tattooed on my wrist… let the bonding commence.

It hurts. I’m just saying. I love that we did it. I love what it represents. I have a whole new respect for those who have full sleeves tattooed on their arms. I am uncertain I will ever fully “get you,” but alas, I admire your grit. As I was thinking about the whole experience this morning what I thought was, in the middle of dark seasons, I am glad my daughter has this reminder on her arm. I love that it says she is enough, I love that it’s in my handwriting, but I also realized I am far more at peace that she knows of the depth of the power of God that is far beyond me, or beyond anything that sits on the surface. If I am a voice calling from a boat to “just keep swimming,” I know He is the depth of an ocean of water beneath her, holding her up, allowing her to float, requiring her to swim and tread and trust. I know these are the things he uses to help us grow, gain muscle, wisdom, even find healing. So many times it doesn’t seem to make sense, this process, and as a mom, it’s tough to watch your kid swimming in the middle of a storm. It requires trust on our part too.

There are many voices on the surface causing us to question how we measure up. But we have to go deeper to the true depth of who we are. We cannot live on the surface or we will never understand our full value. There are those with tools I have never seen that have measured the depths of the ocean at 14,000 feet and more. I’m not sure I can fully wrap my mind around that depth, yet I believe this to be an accurate measurement and have incredible respect for the enormity of it. I believe in God in this same way. I don’t feel like I can ever seem to wrap my mind around him fully. But the force and power and enormity of who He is to me leaves me completely awestruck.

On the surface of my daughter’s arm is a quote that whispers keep going, you have everything you need, you are enough. Under the surface of that arm, is life surging in veins carrying fully coded individualized DNA that is evidence of a strategic plan and purpose the depth of which I have the utmost respect for and that is what I want her to remember when she sees this new message. Depth of faith is an endless source, trust that everything you need is already inside you.

Getting Real, Mentoring Advice from the Velveteen Rabbit

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The Velveteen Rabbit is a classic children’s book about a stuffed rabbit becoming real through the love of his owner. He is given as a gift to a little boy for Christmas and ends up in a toy room set aside and forgotten. The book says, “no one thought very much about him (the rabbit). He was naturally shy and being only made of velveteen, some of the more expensive toys quite snubbed him. The mechanical toys were very superior, and looked down upon everyone else; they were full of modern ideas, and pretended they were real…”

Between them all, according to the book, “the poor little Rabbit was made to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace, and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away…”

I laughed when I read this because I thought mmm hmmm, Margery Williams Bianco just described people she knew. I imagined her seeing actual faces behind the “boast, swagger and pass away” line and the humanity of it all is humorous to me.

The horse explains that “Real isn’t how you are made it’s what happens to you when you are loved for a long, long time. It doesn’t happen all at once. . . You become. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges or have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all because once you are Real you can’t be ugly except to people who don’t understand such things.”

We adopted a tag line at the beginning of our program for teen moms, it reads “belong, beloved, become. . .” This seems to be the process; feeling a sense of belonging opens the door to feel loved and creates the courage to become everything you were created to be. Sometimes we feel forgotten. We are surrounded often by others who do not appear at all like us or to struggle in the way we do and by comparison, we always find ourselves lacking. We need to be reminded that unconditional love exists and that we hold inherent value because of the unique way we were created. These places we are called to are not for the faint of heart, “real” doesn’t happen often to those who break easily. So, here’s to those feeling lose in the joints and a little shabby today. The ones who are fighting to “get real” and loving unconditionally like the little boy. This is the place where we become the most authentic part of who we were meant to be because it reflects the one who both created and loves us unconditionally.

“May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” (Ephesians 3:19-20)

Making New Things From Ruins

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“I knew.” “Excuse me?” “I knew.” She drew the words out long, venomous. “I really am sorry, but I don’t know what you are talking about.” “You tried to cover up a crisis, but I knew!” She delivered these words like she had uncovered an adulterous affair, harsh and disgusted. She was seething. It wasn’t the first time. This time had to do with tablecloths, yes that’s right, and it was a memory that became an icon for many others to come of crazy chaos and difficult situations that did not feel redeemable.

Fast forward, I attended the wedding of a precious young woman I had mentored years earlier. I met her as she was transitioning out of jail and working through a program. She was in the middle of placing a child for adoption and working towards healing and recovery. It was an intense time and she did not finish the program. Her addiction leads her back to prison. She did her time, moved to another city and is now flourishing.

When we arrived at her wedding, I went behind the scenes to pray over her. Her daughter was sitting on a couch, the adoptive mom was sitting beside her. She was now nine years old and was dressed beautifully, waiting to accomplish her role as a flower girl. That goodness alone was almost more than my heart could handle. Her presence there was one of many symbols of redemption. My friend, looked at me shaking her head and asked, “Who in the world would have ever thought I would be getting married?”. My response, me! She burst into tears saying, “Yes, you so did, thank you for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself”. The makeup artist was not pleased, so we immediately began making jokes to pull it together again.

When I sat in the chapel that day and watched everything unfold, it was a continued fight to keep it together. All I remember repeating to God was “You Knew”. You knew this whole time, in the middle of heart-wrenching brokenness, full-blown addiction, prison, and quite frankly circumstances that were so overwhelming the ability to see how they could be turned around for good were but a flicker. You knew.

At that moment, He took words that had been spoken over me, ones that I had made to symbolize other actions and pain and gave them new life. For my friend, when she asked, He gave a new life there as well. He did it for her, He did it for me, and He will do it for you too. I am on the other side of so many things in this season of life. I dropped my daughter off at college and drove home thinking about how terrified I had been to be a mom, especially a single mom, again I told God, “You Knew”. He knew the whole time that we were going to make it and how He was going to provide. He knew how hard it would be, how inadequate I would feel and how incredibly beautiful a young woman my daughter would become.

I heard a song yesterday by Apollo LTD, and the lyrics of the bridge said,

“…the beautiful thing that you do is making new things out of ruins”

This I can adequately confirm is true. Time after time the situations that I thought were an absolute disaster were simply the rubble He used to rebuild something amazing.

You don’t have to know how He knows.

The Stilling Basin

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Summers growing up always included time at the lake. One of my favorite places was actually a stilling basin. If you are unfamiliar, a stilling basin is engineered to reduce the high kinetic energy that builds at the bottom of a dam. It’s a release of sorts and protects the foundation of the dam from erosion and scouring. Our lake is on the Canadian River about eight miles from our small West Texas hometown, 37 miles from Amarillo. The stilling basin has a great sandy area at the far end. It boasted lifeguards, and a food truck (before they were such a great culinary indulgence).

We would grab our beach towels and sunscreen and meet up with our aunts and cousins for a whole afternoon of catching minnows in paper cups, swimming like mermaids and building sandcastles. These were the purest moments. Occasionally, we would get to witness the release of water into the stilling basin and watch it rush over the edges of the jump with incredible force and into the reservoir.

I had three aunts in my early years, picture the “ya ya” sisterhood minus the alcohol. They loved to have fun, play games and most of all, they loved to laugh. They taught us to have adventures. When my grandmother was still living, the sisters would kidnap each other, have slumber parties and take weekend trips together.

A family is important, they also taught us that. They did not do this through words alone, but through their actions, by connecting, having dinners together, celebrating life, and taking care of each other during difficult moments. Last year one of the sisters passed away, and I’m not sure I have adequate words to describe the loss. It felt like a chink in armor I didn’t even know existed. My own mom has Alzheimer’s now, so memories feel more important than ever. It is so special when she calls me by name. A strange truth, I know. In my head, I celebrate with a giant YES! she still knows me. It is good to be known by her.

The passing of my aunt made me contemplate my own mom’s mortality. The heaviness was tangible. Then, one night, singing at a local worship conference, my mom’s face came to mind, just a flash of her really, but in the flash, I was singing through my mom’s face instead of my own. I had this instant deep realization that I will never lose my mom because I am her. I hold her DNA, her love, and her nurturing. Every meal she taught me to cook, every prayer she prayed, every time she made me feel special, called to check on me, wrote me a card, believed in me, those moments make up who I am. Every time she sang silly songs with me in the car, took me hiking in the woods, read to me. All of it is in me.

This is what love does. It makes us. It is foundational because it is the type of support that is transformational. I think the power of Romans 8:38-39 is the reminder that we can never be separated from His love either. It says, “…I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”

God’s love is an engineering marvel like my favorite stilling basin. When we rest in Him, choose to trust the process, it acts as a release. He sees you rushing forward and crashing against the rocks. His words are “Be still.” His love releases us into peace and generally changes our perception.

We know scientifically that energy, can never be created or destroyed; it can only be transferred. So, when we take our story to God, He transfers the built-up harsh kinetic energy of moving through life, dissipates the pressure of it and prevents it from eroding our foundation.  All the stored-up pressure of holding onto things that we shouldn’t, replaying situations and conversations in our heads, worrying if we are enough and if we have enough, walking through betrayal, illness, fear and loss… and it changes everything without destroying or creating anything. It’s simply a transfer of burden. Even in the turbulence, He reminds us we are not alone.

I have prayed for God to bring release, screamed for it when I thought it should come. I discovered He doesn’t operate on my time frame but every single time He stands with me in the middle of it. He sees us and calls us by name. Every moment in prayer, everything we have already walked through, every hair on our head, every song He has sung over us, makes us more like Him. A family is important, and He has shown us through His words and through His actions. He knows us, and it is good to be known by Him.